It's Me, Bear-Bear

I Bear-Bear have a very troublesome issue that must be addressed immediately. On the evening of December the 29th, 2018, I Bear-Bear issued a warning to a certain magenta-shaded, shapeless, dopey-voiced, wannabe, boring, stupid, deeply unattractive bear. (Blob) I warned Blob that he was encroaching upon my sacred territory and that if he did not vacate my niche posthaste, I Bear-Bear would be forced to resort to unethical means in order to rid myself of him. Unfortunately (for Blob lol destroying him was my pleasure), he did not heed my warning. On the evening of January 5th, 2019, Blob was decimated. Destroyed. Annihilated. Obliterated. Exterminated. Liquidated. Eradicated. Eliminated. Extirpated. Crushed. Squashed. Baked. Fried. Sizzled. Kaput. Kablooied. Thanosed. And although I Bear-Bear watched as he turned to dust beneath my intimidating form, there are some who doubt me. I am beginning to believe that they are right. This morning, I Bear-Bear received an anonymous em...

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Dearest Subjects, This past week, I Bear-Bear went through a traumatic experience. I was just chillin' one day with my homies (jk lol I Bear-Bear have no homies nopony is worthy of all this) when suddenly... I Bear-Bear was taken. I was shoved into a deep, entirely black abyss, perhaps even as dark as my ebon-hued ojos. I lay curled there for a while, marinating in my own terror like an obese slab of chicken teriyaki in soy sauce. Finally, though, I Bear-bear broke through the surface of the abyss, emerging wet (do not ask) and screaming like a baby from its mother's womb (there was no placenta, though). I entirely expected to find myself in a disgusting wet rag of a place. But I was entirely surprised. I awoke on an island that seemed to have been sculpted for me Bear-Bear. Imagine it. Chickens, everywhere, ready for the eating. Ladies on beaches, laughing and frolicking in the waves. A ramshackle shop run by my own Uncle, containing delectable shave ice just for m...