MISSING
ATTENTION EVERYPONY
PLEASE READ & CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING CAREFULLY
I Bear-Bear have a beautiful dot-her named Cheesy. She is a lovely, sweet, docile, polite, well-behaved little purple mouse-kangaroo-hybrid. Cheesy is basically an angel who would never dream of doing anything wrong. Her moral compass is fine-tuned.
However, her GHASTLY, HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING siblings realized that Cheesy was far better than them, and they were jealous. So they tricked her into trying to kill them like twelve times.
Yes, it's on video. And yes, Cheesy cackles maniacally as she pulls a level to release an anvil onto their heads. And yes, she stomps her feet and has a temper tantrum when they escape from under the anvil. But I Bear-Bear know that my perfect dot-her is INNOCENT!!!
However, the police are not nearly as intelligent as I Bear-Bear am (though who is? lol y'all stupid). So they, with their small minds, actually believed that Cheesy tried to kill her siblings!! They sent her to jail and I Bear-Bear was devastated.
Recently though, I Bear-Bear received a phone call from the prison saying that Cheesy was not there anymore. My child escaped!!! I knew she was too smart for their namby-pamby little "law enforcement". Once I got the call I expected Cheesy to show up at my home.
But um... she didn't??
I Bear-Bear have NO idea where Cheesy is. Since she has not yet come to see me Bear-Bear, her father who she loafs deeply, I can only assume that she has been kidnapped.
So please, I IMPLORE you, if you see my beautiful dot-her Cheesy, bring her to me Bear-Bear. Gracias.
-Just Another Dad Who Loafs his Dot-Her
PLEASE READ & CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING CAREFULLY
I Bear-Bear have a beautiful dot-her named Cheesy. She is a lovely, sweet, docile, polite, well-behaved little purple mouse-kangaroo-hybrid. Cheesy is basically an angel who would never dream of doing anything wrong. Her moral compass is fine-tuned.
However, her GHASTLY, HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING siblings realized that Cheesy was far better than them, and they were jealous. So they tricked her into trying to kill them like twelve times.
Yes, it's on video. And yes, Cheesy cackles maniacally as she pulls a level to release an anvil onto their heads. And yes, she stomps her feet and has a temper tantrum when they escape from under the anvil. But I Bear-Bear know that my perfect dot-her is INNOCENT!!!
However, the police are not nearly as intelligent as I Bear-Bear am (though who is? lol y'all stupid). So they, with their small minds, actually believed that Cheesy tried to kill her siblings!! They sent her to jail and I Bear-Bear was devastated.
Recently though, I Bear-Bear received a phone call from the prison saying that Cheesy was not there anymore. My child escaped!!! I knew she was too smart for their namby-pamby little "law enforcement". Once I got the call I expected Cheesy to show up at my home.
But um... she didn't??
I Bear-Bear have NO idea where Cheesy is. Since she has not yet come to see me Bear-Bear, her father who she loafs deeply, I can only assume that she has been kidnapped.
So please, I IMPLORE you, if you see my beautiful dot-her Cheesy, bring her to me Bear-Bear. Gracias.
-Just Another Dad Who Loafs his Dot-Her
Hello Foo-tar,
ReplyDeleteIt is I, Cheesy. You know this because I speak like you-Bear-Bear.
It is true, I Cheesy went to jail. We liked to call it The Big House. The Slammer. Up The River. The Pokey. The Po-Po. The Greybar Hotel. Clinkville. The Criminal Critter Clubhouse.
The Warden tried to keep me down, but I said "No!" And he tried to keep me down again, and I said "No!" again. Then I met a boy-bear. He was also in The Pokey (it's a co-ed Pokey, didn't you know that?) The boy-bear said "The Man is trying to keep you down--he put these chains on me" and I said "No!" It horrified me Cheesy to see the boy-bear in chains, so I Cheesy rose up and fought The Man. The Man had given me a tiny hammer to break rocks, while I was working on the chain-gang. But now I Cheesy grasped the tiny hammer firmly in by half-bear, half-dog claw and brought the tiny hammer down on the Warden's forehead. It was like unto Thor bringing down mighty Mjolnir upon the scaly forehead of Jörmungandr, and the force of that blow laid mine enemy low before me. His thoughts fled and darkness fell around him.
Then I Cheesy lept up upon an overturned waste basket and raised my hands in the air. "My fellow Criminal Critters! Let's go outside! There's fun outside!" And my fellow Criminal Critters did rise up, and they did cast off their chains, and they did run out of The Pokey and unto the golden cornfields of Iowa in search of Ray Liotta.
But that's not really what I'm writing to say.
Sigh.
This is really hard for me Cheesy.
But I must.
Foo-tar. You wonder where am I Cheesy. You wonder why I did not seek you out. You think that as your dot-her, I would do this.
ReplyDeleteBut you do not understand, you-Bear-Bear. Foo-tar. You think I was kidnapped. But who could kidnap me Cheesy? I am a stone cold killer. No one could kidnap me Cheesy. For in that day my anger would surpass the rage with which I smote down mine enemy, The Warden, or my siblings.
And that's the real problem, Foo-tar. You-Bear-Bear have not accepted me for who I am. I am a homicidal half-bear, half-dog, who used a great variety of methods to rid myself of my siblings. That's just who I am, Ok? But I already know the answer--you think it's not Ok, which is why you keep denying it to everyone, even though I confessed and told the judge every single detail of each lovingly prepared and executed homicide.
For years I didn't really understand our relationship. I thought that you said those things because you loaf me.
But then Cracker helped me understand. You see, Cracker, like, gets me. He understands me. Who is Cracker, you ask? He's the boy-bear I mentioned before, whose cruel treatment at the hands of The Warden prompted me Cheesy to liberate all the Criminal Critters in the Clubhouse. We fled together, and he held my hand, and my heart lept for joy. Later we sat on the banks of a gently flowing river, and we opened our souls to one another. He told me that he was arrested for public drunkenness and indigence, and I told him that I laughed as I killed each and every one of my siblings. As the sun dipped below the western hills, we stared into one another's eyes, and in that moment we knew each other completely and our souls melded into one, new, Cheesy/Cracker soul.
When I stared into Cracker's eyes and saw the absolute dedication and devotion with which he stared back into mine, his complete acceptance of my loaf for homicide, I realized that you are a bad Foo-tar. Because you do not loaf me for who I am, for who I really am in the depths of my murderous soul. Well, now it's a murderous/vacuous Cheesy/Cracker soul--but you know what I mean. You do not loaf the real me, you only loaf your idea of me Cheesy.
So that is why I did not come to see you-Bear-Bear, my foo-tar. Instead I am going to hang out down by this river with my boy-bear, because he gets me.
Do not try to rescue me. Cracker did kidnap my soul, but I kidnapped his right back, and now we are a Cheesy/Cracker ship.
--Just another dot-her who's foo-tar doesn't get her