Quarantine Diary: Day 1

  • woke up and found that brad had rolled over on top of me in his sleep
    • couldn't feel my leg because it was pinned under my neck
  • waited for brad to wake up
  • tried to avoid a trail of spittle coming from his mouth towards my eye
    • failed
  • watched brad wake up and leave the room
    • he did not notice my spittle issue
  • got out of the bed
  • regained feeling in my leg through a series of brazillian-style jiu jitsu warm-ups
  • went to abigail's room
  • told theodore the reason everyone was staying in their houses now was because they did not want to risk the horror of running into him in public
    • told theodore to stop crying before abigail woke up
    • asked theodore why he can't take a joke
    • felt disgusted by my own gene pool
  • left abigail's room
  • called my soccer moms at their base
  • found out from karen about the "six feet apart" social distancing thing
    • this is a problem because up until now each soccer mom has had four square feet of personal space when sleeping, two square feet when working
    • with social distancing, each soccer mom will require six feet around her at all times
      • the math here is π(6)2, which is 36π, which is about 113.1
    • so this means that each soccer mom now requires 113.1 square feet of space when she used to require four square feet tops
      • this is a 109.1 square foot difference
    • I bear-bear do not have over 100 extra square feet per soccer mom
  • hung up on karen
  • heard that abigail and la nora were going to starbucks
  • snuck into their car 
  • texted the soccer moms to cause a commotion at the starbucks so that it would be closed when they got there
    • a squadron of soccer moms went to the starbucks and each ordered venti non-fat whole milk split quad shot no foam lattes with whip, vanilla syrup, and extra cinnamon
    • starbucks ran out of materials and baristas willing to go on
    • upon abigail and la nora's arrival the starbucks was closed
  • abigail and la nora decided to go to the mcdonald's instead
  • texted the soccer moms to harass the mcdonald's manager into a wicked deal on something made of chicken 
  • listened as la nora bought two mcchicken sandwiches because of the deal
    • victory
  • got home
  • snuck out of the car
  • briefly got caught in some bushes
    • got a stick stuck between my bow tie and my ear
    • removed the stick from the space between my bow tie and my ear
  • escaped from the bushes
  • went inside
  • watched la nora eat a mcchicken sandwich
    • smiled
  • got a call from karen
    • explained to karen that the soccer moms would not be getting more money due to their work today at the starbucks
    • explained to karen that I would not be reimbursing her and the other soccer moms for the drinks that they bought today at the starbucks
  • hung up on karen
  • watched mario with brad and uncle
    • wondered what kind of being would really be amused by mario
  • watched tv meant for five year old girls with abigail
    • wondered what kind of being would really be amused by tv meant for five year old girls
    • realized that abigail is the type of being that would really be amused by tv meant for five year old girls
    • cried
  • went upstairs with brad
  • allowed brad to cuddle me as he went to sleep
  • wondered what I would do about the soccer mom situation
  • decided to sleep on it

Comments

  1. AdamMarch 21, 2020 at 10:40 AM

    I have a suggestion on how to deal with the soccer mom situation.

    Release them.

    ReplyDelete

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