German Emperor Bearmanente

No, no, your eyes do not deceive you. I know you all have been anticipating this wondrous day for a long time now, so long that some of you disappointing unbelievers didn't think it would ever come. But here it is, finally, after all this time: my health care company.

I of course understand that you all will be clamoring for the right to put your health and wellness solely in the capable paws of me Bear-Bear, but I absolutely refuse to accept more than two hundred fifty dollars from any of you until you have heard a little more about the program and I have decided whether or not you are worthy of it (to reiterate, I will accept the two hundred fifty from anyone who wants to give it right now, no questions asked). 

The program is called German Emperor Bearmanente, to represent both my vast power and unyielding, unwavering endurance. Also it has to do with the way I am a bear. 

The focus of the program, I would say, is definitely excellence. I Bear-Bear am essentially the peak of health, as you all know. Therefore, it would naturally be expected that anyone who seeks to join my health care company should also strive to reach the highest levels possible. They should be prepared to represent a sharp peak in every category, to be an outlier in each statistic. High muscle mass? Undoubtedly. High levels of effective blood clots? But of course. High blood pressure? Indubitably; press that blood! High BMI? Oh yes oh yes oh yes! At Kaiser Bearmanente, expect to be expected to be off the charts in every way. As your health care provider and therefore sensei, I Bear-Bear will accept nothing less. 

Members of my program can anticipate excellent care from a staff of ladies who conveniently all share the same name, minimizing the likelihood of the occurrence of that awkward situation where you're halfway through the visit and have seen two nurses already but cannot remember which one had which name so you are forced to call them things like "hottie with the shotties" and "wazzuuuuuup, medical professional!" Also, even if you did want to do that, calling any of these staff members by that second nickname would be technically inaccurate! None of these ladies are medical professionals, because unlike the rest of the health industry, I Bear-Bear give opportunities to people who did not get to experience the traditional medical school experience. You are welcome for not being elitist like those other companies. 

As far as the actual health care goes, anyone who gets their medical care from my company gets a look at my own personal workout regiments. Do not worry--I do not expect any of you to be able to reach my level of skill right away. All new members are allowed a period of six to nine months to come as close to my standards as they possibly can (do not beat yourselves up if you fail mega hard. You are, after all, mere mortals ;) ). 

Submit your applications for my program wherever. Please try to explain why you think you would be a good fit for German Emperor Bearmanente. Also the application fee is seven hundred dollars. 

Salud, mi familia!